Nightcaps at the Theater

Episode 23: The Muppet's Christmas Carol

 

It’s only a few more sleeps till Christmas on this episode of Nightcaps at the Theater. Get out your puppets and put away your humbugs because YAAAAAAY we are watching 1992’s The Muppet’s Christmas Carol, just in time for the holidays. All your favorite Muppets Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Gonzo, Rizzo, and Michael Caine are here with a unique Henson/Dickins twist. Stop by Fozziwig’s Rubber Chicken Factory, drink and be merry! However, don’t dawdle and be a Scrooge, if so, you might just be visited by three spirits, each set upon teaching you the error of your ways. So, cook the plump Christmas, goose. Listen, and know us better men! God bless us…everyone. (Insert Statler and Waldorf laugh)

Tonight, on the Marquee:

• LIGHT THE LAMP, NOT THE RAT! It’s The Muppet’s Christmas Carol.
• V. Court – Rupaul’s All Stars Season 4, Jenny Nicholson, The Good Place, Brooklyn 99
• Movie Phone – Us, Spider-man: Enter the Spiderverse, The Downton Abbey Movie, Schindler’s List, and The Cat in the Hat, and The Grinch.
• Troddin the Boards – Hadestown and King Kong.
• Disc Jockeys – Kingdom Hearts Soundtrack/Hikaru Utada, Vince Staples, The Zebro Christmas Album, Soccer Mommy, Adult Mom, Jim Jones, Destroyer, The New Pornographers, and Scott Walker.
• Mickey Rooney, Mickey Rourke…Andy Rooney!
• Michael Caine as Serviceable, Shakespearean, Scrooge…for the paycheck.
• Gonzo X Rizzo/Beaker X Honeydew/Statler X Waldorf.
• What’s a Muppet’s Insurance like?
• Fozziwig’s Rubber Chicken Factory … you got ta be sh*&^in me!
• Muppet History X
• Kermit’s Christmas Skat.
• Miss Piggy on the Lamb.

 

“What I find…I don’t know the most spellbound…” – The Writing Process.

 

From the Disney Vault … Schindler’s List?!?!?

 

“Weeaboo! Weeaboo! Weeaboo!” – Nerd or Ambulance.

 

“Starts with a P…describes hipsters?” – Pretensions

 

A CD Player that looks like a turntable! – Genius or Insane.

 

“In the Book…” – Need it on a T-Shirt.

 

Art Provided By: John Cafiero @bonehaver420

Music: "Riviera Jazz" Provided By: Crazy G 

Episode 22: Moonstruck

 

Snap out of it! And snap into a new episode of Nightcaps at the Theater! On tonight’s episode, all we can advise is “Guarda la Luna!”, Look to the Moon, because 1987’s Moonstruck is ready to take your heart and possibly your hand. Just as wolves howl at the moon, so too must we review classic movies staring Cher. Another one of our holiday picks, this John Patrick Shanley written romantic farce awakens the inner Italian American in all of us. Join Loretta Castorini in her trials/tribulations when it comes to balancing her love life and typical Brooklyn bound family. When Loretta falls for the troubled baker/opera lover/brother of her fiancé, she goes through an emotional crisis, that parallels her home life. Can she manage to come to terms with her love, her parents’ infidelity, and still make it to the opera to meet a young Nick Cage? You will have to listen to find out. You are all animals! Wolves! Take us to the Bed! We don’t care! Just turn off that damn Vikki Carr record!

Tonight, on the Marquee:

• A love story from NYC to Sicily … 1987’s Moonstruck.
• V. Court – The Good Place, Cheers, Big Mouth, Hot Ones, Rupaul’s Holislay Spectacular, All Stars Season 4, and American Gods: Season 2.
• Movie Phone – Shrek: Retold, Shrek Film Franchise, Between Two Ferns, A Ship to India, Wreck it Ralph 2: Ralph Breaks the Internet, SpiderMan: Into the Spiderverse, Avengers 5, 101 Dalmatians Reboot, The Lion King Live Action, and Life Size 2.
• Troddin the Boards –Shrek the Musical, Beetlejuice, King Kong, Suessical, and To Kill a Mockingbird, and Mamma Mia.
• Off to the Races with Disc Jockeys – Spring Awakening, Run DMC, LL Cool J, Will Smith, and Sandman.
• Gimme, Gimmie, Gimmie an Affair after Midnight.
• Italian Families: Eating, Talking, Shouting…so many good times.
• Fake Hands, and Passion for Bread. You are a Wolf, take me to the bed!
• Thicc Stacks of Cash…belongs in a Museum
• 80s Cher Smooth Seduction Jazz Getting Ready Montage.
• Edgy vs. Alternative Nick Cage.
• The Chaos behind “The Perfect Scene.”

“Shrekophilia” – The newest kink?

RDJ Filmography – The highs and lows of being high and low on coke.

“Nowadays, you can’t bring a young girl home alone with your ventriloquist dummy.” – Fun and Fancy Free.

“What are numbers, Baby?!?” – Cher as a bookie.

“How Long Must I Wait?” –For Death to Claim Me?

“Get me the BIG KNIFE!” – Ronnie STAHP!!!

“Watch! The House!” – Ya Stunad!

Art Provided By: John Cafiero @bonehaver420

Music: "Riviera Jazz" Provided By: Crazy G 

Episode 21:Le père Noël est une ordure/Santa Claus is a Bastard

 

Bonjour, Mon Ami, tonight Nightcaps at the Theater is going back to Paris, France, with the raunchy, raucous, frolicking farce that is 1982’s Le père Noël est une ordure or Santa Claus is a Bastard/Stinker. If you ever have had a rough time during the holidays or are just down in general then why don’t you call in to our “SOS Distress Friendship” Suicide Prevention Hotline. We are all here for you during this holiday season, as long as we aren’t stuck in an elevator, breeding rabbits, eating oysters, or throwing random corpse pieces to zoo animals. What was that last one…oh, never mind. Strap in to see just how homeless ruffians, stuffy telephone operators, and a drag queen manages to survive one of the most magical nights of the year. Trust us your family has nothing on the crass, vulgar mouths, stuffed into this French Film and if you beg to differ…mon dieu. Press the Button! Press the Button! Bang!

Tonight, on the Marquee:

• What is going on?!? Is it Christmas?!?! Thanks for the Oysters! We Watch 1982’s “Le père Noël est une ordure” or Santa Claus is a Stinker.
• V. Court – Maniac, Rupaul’s Holli-slay Spectacular + AS4, Lindsay Ellis, Brows Held High, Movie Nights, Snake Discovery, Daredevil, Nick Cage, and Jessica Jones.
• Movie Phone – Happy Death Day 2 U, Ingmar Berman’s Kris, The Seventh Seal, The Favorite, The Holiday, The Grinch (2018), Hardcore Henry and, Upgrade.
• Troddin the Boards – To Kill a Mockingbird, Hadestown, and Seussical
• Disc Jockeys – thank u, next! Meghan Trainor, Billy Porter, Earl Sweatshirt Some Rap Songs, Meek Mill, Mitski, Beirut
• Jennifer Coolidge Impressions.
• We Love You Frenchies, but Mike Myers is Canadian!
• Pimp slapping 8 year olds? I’m here for it. Bad Santa Prequel?
• Simon Says and Trumpet Playing, All while having to Pee, in a Stuck Elevator!
• Preskovic and his “Shitty” Meals.
• One Basket of Oysters.
• This Poor Bunny!
• The Little Death… Breaks Chair Over Head!

 

“Speaking of Netflix “Bom Boms” – Kevin Spacey STAHP!

“DO YOU WANT TO WATCH THE GRINCH?!?!” – Should we watch Battlefield Earth again?

SLAPPY AND THE STINKERS!!! – Future Must Watch.

Is this N.J. or Paris?

Tits and Pig Out! – Bob Ross didn’t teach us this.

Why is there Grease in my Pocket? – Us Every Friday Night.

A Basket of General Tso’s Please!

Art Provided By: John Cafiero @bonehaver420

Music: "Riviera Jazz" Provided By: Crazy G 

Episode 20: Battlefield Earth

 

Listen Up Mananimals, Todays episode of Nightcaps at the Theater has us traveling to the distant plant of Earth. “Do you want lunch?!?!?” Even if you answered no, Ratbrains, strap in for this cinema masterpiece that follows the in peril human race. It is the distant year 3000. The Psychlos have overtaken us and it’s up to Johnny Goodboy Tyler to use his wits and will to take the planet back. John Travolta is here to slap and ponder extemporaneously in a Bob Marley Wig. All in a mission to steal gold/conquer the Earth. Put on your breathing apparatus and make sure you have a turn in the flight simulator, it is time to go to war! We humans have suffered far too long and you as moviegoers have a duty to join us in this this melodramatic, comedic, drama. Piece of cake…it can only be Battlefield Earth (2000)

Tonight, on the Marquee:

• The Pulse-Pounding, Piece of Cake Eating, Intrepid Sci-Fi Adventure that is Battlefield Earth
• V. Court – Monty Python’s Flying Circus, AHS: Apocalypse, RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars Season 4, At Home with Amy Sedaris, She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, and Maniac
• Movie Phone – How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000), The NeverEnding Story, The Page Master, Hausu, Dumbo, The Lion King, Toy Story 4, Mowgli, Detective Pikachu, Cam, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs, Suspiria -Mini Critique, and 2001: A Space Odyssey, Jingle All The Way.       
• Troddin the Boards – Parade, Seussical, The Prom, Diana: The Musical, My Fair Lady, and The Macy’s Day Parade.
• Off to the Races with Disc Jockeys – Lets Eat Grandma, Rebecca Black, Christmas Music/Bing Crosby, Delilah, Vincent, Anderson.Paak, Black Belt Eagle Scout, Los Campesinos, and Lizzo.
• Oh No! Not this Shit Show! Battlefield Earth. The Shindler’s List of Sci-Fi Films.
• Laurence Fishburne vs. Forest Whitaker
• “Endless Options for Renewal!”
• Rats, Part of a Balanced Breakfast.
• Hooked on Cronics Knowledge Machine ™
• Cow Sharp Shooting.
• Piece of Cake: The Movie
• One American Bomb Did That?!?!? Oh, Well.

Look Annie! I’m a Hawk!”  #Popcorn Problems

“Where is that Dikachu?” – “Detective Pikachu Trailer Summary.

“Call Me By Another Name 2…Again”

Twitter Feud Between Delilah and Nightcaps.

“Do you want Lunch?!?!” – The Immortal Question

“I graduated at the top of my class!” – Everyone who didn’t see this movie.

“Do a Barrel Roll!” – Away from this film.

Art Provided By: John Cafiero @bonehaver420

Music: "Riviera Jazz" Provided By: Crazy G 

Episode 19: Rosemary's Baby

 

On this episode of Nightcaps of the Theater our first annual Frightcaps celebration comes to a loudly crying close, but a new life emerges. Roman Polanski’s Rosemary’s Baby utters it’s first coo, cloven hooves and all. One of the most controversial horror movies of all time is on the end of our pitchforks this episode, and we aren’t afraid to cling tight to our kitchen knives as we discuss uneven relationships, the true merits of Tannis Root, and the bumbling buffoonery of a bunch of senile Satanists. So, get cozy, grab yourself a mug of chocolate “mouse”, put on your most comfortable maternity wear, and prepare your Scrabble tiles … “Every one of them witches” …whatever could that mean? La…la…la…la…

Tonight, on the Marquee:

• The Satanic, yet Motherly lullaby of Rosemary’s Baby.
• T. V. Court – Castlevania Season 2, Curious Creations of Christine McConnell, Over the Garden Wall, The Good Place, American Horror Story: Train Wreck, The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, The Haunting of Hill House.
• Movie Phone – Hausu, Hellraiser, First Man
• Troddin the Boards – My Fair Lady at Lincoln Center. Aaron Sorkin’s To Kill A Mockingbird. 1776, Parade.
• Off to the Races with Disc Jockeys – Thom York’s Suspiria, Neheh Cherry, The 1975.
• Polanski, Satanic Panic, Manson Murders, Cursed Films, NYC, and Rosemary’s Baby.
• Mia Farrow’s Early Vocals – The Scariest Thing in the Film?
• Rosemary and Guy: Worst Couple Ever. Guy: Worst Actor Ever/Biggest Asshole.
• The Castevets: A New Farce.
• Sleeping with Satan?!?!? That’s a DEAL-BREAKER!
• Cooking With Rosemary…and its Done!
• “Love That Chicken from Satan!”
• Hutch…The Master of Disguise?
• Baby’s Got a Knife and Connecting the Frightcap Themes.

 

“Sister James…I have such doubts!” – Jonathan’s Drag Persona.

“Best Brothels in New Jersey” – Our Latest Upcoming Podcast.

“If I were a WOMAN!!” – The Last Unicorn’s Greatest Hits.

“These are Shelves.” – Simple, Sweet Rosemary.

“Hotter than Hell Flamin Hot Cheetos.”

“Drink Your Oval-tine?” – It’s an Anagram.

“It’s just Lipton’s Tea…now Drink Up!” – The kind, old devil worshipers from Next Door.

Art Provided By: John Cafiero @bonehaver420

Music: "Riviera Jazz" Provided By: Crazy G 

Episode 18: Suspiria

 

This evening, on Nightcaps get out your ballet shoes and prepare to dance for your life. Dario Argento’s horror classic Suspiria takes the stage. This dance academy is as strange, as it is beautiful and there are secrets and dangers lurking around every corner. They say people whose names begin with s are snakessss and there’s been plenty of rumors around these parts about witches for hundreds of years. When you hear the beating of wings or rushed whispers, run. Only sharp doom lies in wait for those foolish to linger. However, if you dare to search for answers beware, many dancers have sought the truth through their art, but the only partner they met was death.

Tonight, on the Marquee:

• The Writhing, Gory, Magical, Fairy Tale that Suspiria
• T. V. Court is in Session! – Maniac, Big Mouth, Dancing Queen, AHS: Apocalypse … is actually good?!?!? The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, The Haunting of Hill House, Good Omens, American Vandal, Star Wars: Resistance, Pushing Daises, and Bojack Horseman
• Answering the Movie Phone – Malevolent, Under the Skin, Halloween, Suspiria, Pet Semetary, Terrifier, Murder Party, The Death of Stalin, and The Miami Connection
• A Star is Born – Mini Review.
• Da…Da…Da…Da…Da…WITCH! Time for Suspiria
• The Three Mothers…I mean types of wine.
• The Secret Farce of Suzy Bannion.
• The R.K.O. from Miss Tanner!
• Romanian Lurch
• Safe Words: Dark Tower and Aunt Ida.
• Muppspiria – The Perfect Film?
• MANIC MAGGOTS AND BAT ATTACK!
• These Witches and these Dancers are kinda … Dumb.

“Suspiria…the darkness in your eyes” – Our Disturbia Cover.

Stupid Clown Based Deaths ™

YouTube plugs: History Buffs/Maven of the Eventide

“Aren’t All Wives On and Off Lovers?”

“THE AMERICAN GIRL MUST DIE! SICKNESS! SICKNESS!”

“Who needs this much barbed wire? We’re at a dance academy!”

Art Provided By: John Cafiero @bonehaver420

Music: "Riviera Jazz" Provided By: Crazy G 

Episode 17: The Shining

 

Nightcaps at the Theater’s first annual Frightfest continues with one of the greatest horror films of all time. Bundle up and hold tight to your axe, Stanley Kubrick’s 1980 adaptation of Stephen King’s The Shining is barreling down the empty hotel hall toward us. Unsettling, atmospheric, and a Looney Tunes cartoon gone awry, are all apt descriptions of this iconic movie. We here at Nightcaps can’t decide what’s scarier. Jack Torrance’s violent spells spurned by his seething alcoholism? Sinister specters lurking behind every carpeted turn or grimy shower curtain? The overdrawn closeups on Danny Lloyd’s horrified face? Or Shelly Duvall’s choice of costume? Don’t stray too far into the maze and stay away from Room 237 unless you want to come and play with us…forever…and ever.

Tonight, on the Marquee:

• An Invitation to The Overlook
• Pokémon Go, Spiderman, The Emmys, American Vandal Season 2, Big British Baking Show, Maniac, Memes and YouTubers, American Horror Story: Apocalypse, The Twilight Zone Reboot, Maniac, Big Mouth Season 2, Telltale Bankruptcy, Minecraft On Netflix, The Good Cop, BoJack Horseman, The Good Place, Better Call Saul, Fargo.
• A Star is Born, The Room on YouTube, Suspiria, Halloween, Vomit Performance Art, Madeline’s Madeline, Captain Marvel, First Man, and AMC Stubs.
• Should we Split it Into Parts? … No.
• The Exorcist … too scurry.
• Stanley Kubrick – The Shining
• Nicholson vs. Nicholson
• Anjelica Houston has been around.
• Doctor Sleep Spoilers.
• Discussing Scatman and Jon’s Peter and the Wolf
• Wendy’s Fashion Statements.
• Native American Imagery, Big Wheels, Typewriters.
• Don’t Wake Daddy!
• Dark Tower Shit King Marvel Cinematic Universe.
• Correcting Children and Reading Bad Scripts
• Dick’s Untimely End.
• Mallet vs. Axe. Bash vs. Slash.

 “She was a Sister so I Kissed Her.”

“Im sorry, I’m speaking in memes.”

“Settin fire to the Reel.”

“Dick Hollerin!”

“Sky Firrera is Guy Fieri.”

“Medium vs. Media.”

“Stephen King’s Poundcake”

 “Dick Suck Kubrick’s Dick”

*Take a Shot Every Time “In the book..” of “The Dark Tower” is Mentioned.

Art Provided By: John Cafiero @bonehaver420

Music: "Riviera Jazz" Provided By: Crazy G 

Episode 16: The Thing

 

Imagine if you, will your line of work take you to the cold isolated coasts of Antarctica. You aren’t alone, but judging from the sounds of the howling arctic wind, you might as well be. The men you work with are more associates rather than friends, good men…. fine in the initial scope of things, but that’s to be expected. Its so cold out here your piss could freeze mid-stream. Things go bump in the night, around here, that’s just your mind playing tricks … you tell yourself. That kennel of dogs has to be barking at something though … right?

Tonight, on Nightcaps, we are off to the cold recesses of the world where the only thing to keep you warm is some whiskey. Something is out there and we aren’t sure who or what we can trust. Keep your friends close, but your flamethrower closer. We are watching John Carpenter’s 1982 horror classic, The Thing.  Very Superstitious…

Tonight, on the Marquee:

• A Cold, Desperate Line of Work.
• TheaterCast with Mark and Jon
• Disenchanted, Honey We Shrunk Ourselves, The Emoji Movie, The Little Hours, Sharp Objects Finale, The Castle Rock Slog, Show Burnout, The End of the Fucking World, Big British Bakeoff, Nanette, Tig, American Horror Story, A Star is Born, Frozen the Musical, My Fair Lady, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Unfriended 3: Searching, Alpha, Spiderman 3, and Ash vs. The Evil Dead.
• The Thing: The Budget from Another World.
• T. fucks up The Thing
• Norgs vs. Swedes vs. Americans.
• Job list of the Research Station.
• Academy Award Winning Huskies.
• Does the Dog Die?
• Atari: Assimilation
• MacReady X Fuchs
• Wilford Brimley’s got a Gun!
• Noose Mood.
• Cardboard Walls and Real Dynamite.
• What’s In an Ending?

Pretty Little Big Liars.

Great Foley Work. – Matt enters the fray.

We Killed Burt Reynolds.

 “The largest screen in the country…my ass.”

Improvised Poltergeist Scene.

1980s YouTube.

Fake Love.

Childs vs. MacReady

“C’mon Gang! Jinkies!

Nubs. Sorry, for being offensive.

Pizza Rating Lives

Art Provided By: John Cafiero @bonehaver420

 Music: "Riviera Jazz" Provided By: Crazy G 

Episode 15: Sleepaway Camp

 

Dear Mom and Dad, I’ve been at Sleepaway Camp for almost three weeks now and I’m getting very scared! There’s a cook who got horribly burned by some hot corn water, and we had to go without dinner for a week. The baseball games here seem to go on for an eternity. Kenny supposedly drowned last weekend …there were snakes coming out of his mouth…so we aren’t even allowed to go swimming anymore. Also there’s this girl Judy and I’m pretty concerned that her hair is slowly developing sentience. Anyways, only a few more days till I can go home…but I gotta run, tonight we are sleeping outside, under the stars. I’d be more worried since theres a killer on the loose and all, but at the rate this summer is going, could it get any worse?

Tonight on Nightcaps…. Oh, sorry, I mean Frightcaps at the Theater we give our regards to summer and lead into our first Spooktacular  episode with 1983’s underappreciated cinema train wreck, my personal favorite bad movie Sleepaway Camp. So, join us here on Nightcaps during the next handful of films for some chills, thrills, and in the case of this movie... riotous bouts of laughter

Tonight, on the Marquee:

• A Letter to our Parents, some Doers
• Spooktacular Intro to Frightcaps at the Theater
• The Therapy of Horror.
• The Academy Award goes to DELORE!
• Aunt Martha is in a Different Movie.
• How did Ricky turn out so sane?
• Judy and her Sentient Hair Beast.
• #Corngate
• Imagine Dragons Tangent
• Merch Ideas.
• 80s Fashion on Display.
• Unending Baseball Hell.
• BEES!!!
• David Lynch Dream Sequence.
• Daddy Issues and Shower Scenes
• Mustache Cop: Henry Cavill Origins
• What a Twist?!?

“Who Died Recently?”

 “Richard…Angelaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

“JOHN!” – Lenny the Lover’s Final Words

“Who likes Short Shorts?”

“Is Paul Gay?”

“Eat Shit and Live, Bill!” – The Greatest Insult Ever?        

“It’s You?” – Every Slasher Flick Ever.

 

Art Provided By: John Cafiero @bonehaver420

 Music: "Riviera Jazz" Provided By: Crazy G 

Episode 14: Before Sunrise

 

On this episode, things are getting sultry in the streets of Vienna. City of music, love, and Mumblecore? 1995’s Before Sunrise takes Ethan Hawke, Julie Delpy, a whole lot of cerebral questions and blends them together into a romantic comedy. Join Mark and Jonathan as they scoff at the pretentiousness of these two strangers, but mainly Ethan Hawke’s Jesse. Matt is more open to conversations on relationships, religion, and potpourri, essentially the Céline of the group. Either way, this movie is truly surprising in its simplicity and we encourage viewers to join us as we step off a train, on a whim, and into one elucidating night. Let the harpsichord play and the stolen wine flow!

Tonight, on the Marquee:

• An Existential Opener and Some Improvisation.
• John Adams, Young Pope, Disenchanted with Disenchanted, Sharp Objects, Fargo, Trial and Error.
• Matt Damon as an Informant!? Crazy Rich Asians, Three Identical Strangers, Eighth Grade, and Amy
• Matt’s over Mumblecore?!?!…fake out.
• Dark Celebrity Stories with Jonathan Kwiatkowski
• It’s Strangers On A Train, starring the Von Trapp Family Singers!
• Slow T.V. or Trainspotting
• Describe your first sexual experience…I’ll wait.
• Looking up Wikipedia facts for First Dates.
• Ethan Hawke’s Hand Choreography/Reading Palms.
• Milkshake Poets + Mean Pinball Acting.
• Acting Homeless isn’t Sexy.
• Identifying Harpsichords.
• A Nightcaps Rating System.
• Rethinking the ending of Before Sunrise

“Then I’ll start my own podcast with blackjack and hookers!”

“T.V?!”

“He’s trying to get the little boys out of there.”

“Moderate to Severe Illiteracism.” 

“Gimmie, Gimmie, Gimmie a Movie After Midnight!”

“This film will make you tolerate Ethan Hawke.”

“More like waning poetic?”

“I can’t believe it.”

“Why didn’t she just leave?”

Art Provided By: John Cafiero @bonehaver420

Music: "Riviera Jazz" Provided By: Crazy G