Nightcaps at the Theater

Episode 13: Unforgiven

 

Tonight, we are three men on a mission of revenge. One who can’t stay on a horse, one with an unsteady hand, and one who can’t see worth a damn. Somehow, we’ll find our mark in 1992’s Unforgiven. Expect to see Clint Eastwood falling off a horse, whores with hearts of gold, a poorly built house, and death on a shitter. This film takes typical western tropes and beats them senseless, like a gun toting stranger, stepping into Big Whiskey!  Law is crooked around here, just like Little Bill’s freshly built porch, be on your guard, people round here shoot first, and grieve never.

Tonight, on the Marquee:

• Sticking to Your Jameses Gunnzez
• Trial and Error vs. Crime and Punishment, Castle Rock, and the Christopher Robin
• I Forgot the Movie! Mark is still Unforgiven
• Clint Eastwood is Old! Water is Wet! How Old is His Mom?
• Whore? Sex Worker? Greek Chorus?
• The Nicest Little Whorehouse in Wyoming
• Playing Against Western Tropes
• Take a shot when the old man falls off a horse.
• “My Wife is Dead” – The Best Excuse?
• Richard Harris aka the OG Musical Theater Playboy Gets the Shit Kicked Out of Him.
• Tall Tales, Urban Legends, and Here Say
• Hey there Delilah, your face looks kinda shitty.
• Meanwhile, at the shitter…we fear our mortality.
• Neds Daid? Ned’s Dad? Neds Dead?

“Who am I to throw the first tweet?”

“I just want to see Sarah Paulson smoke a cigarette!”

“I believe the term is four fiddy…”

“This is a long Fu^&ing Intro!”

“Pooh is a Ride or Die Bi&*h.”

 “That’s not Christian Slater!”

“There ain’t no eagle! Dumbass!”

“Love Young Clint Daddy!”

 Art Provided By: John Cafiero @bonehaver420

 Music: "Riviera Jazz" Provided By: Crazy G 

Episode 12: Female Trouble

 

Good Morning Baltimore! What the Hell are you doing?!? Put those Hairspray cans away, we’re going to the seedier side of Baltimore, where thieves and shitkickers run amok. This episode is certainly NSFW, as tonight on the marquee is John Waters’s 1974 midnight movie sensation “Female Trouble.” Join the brash Dawn Davenport on a morality tale including the perils of high school, rape, raising a child, thieving and fashion, divorce, kidnappings, murder, and the almighty pursuit of art.  Put on your best skin tight catsuit, some Cha Cha heels, and take a hit of liquid eyeliner! I can almost guarantee you’ve never seen a trashier film and I know you are going to love every minute of it…better have a barf bag next to you though, just to be safe.

Tonight, on the Marquee:

• Horrible Impressions, “The Bloody Harry Hole Affair”, Trail and Error, My Friend Dahmer, Summer of Sam, Mary Queen of Scots, and Glass
• Mission Impossible: Shitshow…reloads fist.
• The “Waterverse”
• A Brief History of John Waters and Divine aka Harris Glenn aka “The Most Beautiful Woman in the World”
• The Morality Tale of Dawn Davenport
• Cha Cha Heels inspired “Robot”
• Eating a Meatball Sandwich Right Out In Class, up next, Umbilical Chords
• AUNT IDA! AUNT IDA! AUNT IDA!
• What were we drinking?
• Finding Happiness in the Auto Industry
• The Perils of a Hari Krishna Lifestlye
• A Glamorous Trip to the Electric Chair

 

NSFW: Patti LuPone Nudity Tangent + the Whole Episode

“Pooh Bear has been there when none of all aint.” – A Glimpse into Jonathan’s Childhood.

Eating Shit to the tune of “How Much is that Doggy in the Window” – What to expect in the Watersverse.

“Let’s Get Fucked!” – Matt’s reaction before the film.

“Gasp!” – Matt’s reaction after the film.

“Did I trick you?”

“The world of the heterosexual is a sick and boring life!”

“6.5  out of 10” – We rate the genitallia of this movie.

“OH, A LITTLE STAGE!” -Every actor’s dream

“WHO WANTS TO DIE FOR ART?”

 

 Art Provided By: John Cafiero @bonehaver420

 Music: "Riviera Jazz" Provided By: Crazy G 

Episode 11: Let the Right One In

 

“Squeal like a pig!” Tonight’s episode of Nightcaps takes us to the frozen winters of Sweden for a romantic horror film that will make your blood run cold…whatever blood you might have left. Who’s that knocking at the door? It’s 2008’s “Låt Den Rätte Komma In” better known to Westerners as “Let the Right One In.”  This film has plenty of 80s nostalgia, killer CGI apartment cats, a better love story than Twilight, and all those fucked up emotions that made childhood worth it in the first place. A word of warning: be careful when you walk alone at night, there’s a killer on the loose and all the victims have been bled dry, and you might just have your heart stolen?

Tonight, on the Marquee:

• “California Love”
• Cum Inside My Mind: A Sexy Psychological Thriller
• Robin Williams, GLOW, Sharp Objects, Marlene Dietrich, Jaws, The Poseidon Adventure, Spike Lee, The Greasy Strangler, Game Night, and More.
• A Jurassic/James Gunn Rant
• Harold and Maude and Jar Jar Binks
• OG Vampyr Swatted #METOO
• Serial Killer Boyfriend Lootbox
• Matt Lived with a Vampire in College
• CGI CAT ATTACK
• Get a Hatchimal instead
• Oskar don’t give a f%&k
• Fun in a swimming Pool

 

“Too many pollytooks in Wollyhood”

“After Mr. Rodgers took whippets.”

“Where’s Apache Chief?!”

“The Way Back Machine, at it again…”

That universal moan when we find out we aren’t watching The Snowman

He don’t even know what movie we watching!”

“Fuck Batman!”

Jonathan can’t ever remember Swedish Names

 

 Art Provided By: John Cafiero @bonehaver420

 Music: "Riviera Jazz" Provided By: Crazy G 

Episode 10: Lost in Translation

 

“Moshi, Moshi!” Tonight’s Episode of Nightcaps is off on a red-eye flight to Japan. Put on your best orange camo shirt, and blazer, as you prepare to take part in a Suntory Whiskey commercial that will most certainly pay for your new renovations and finally please your significant other. Tonight, we are strangers in a foreign land and we are all Lost In Translation. Sophia Coppola’s 2003 “rom com” marks a star turn for Bill Murray, seventeen-year-old Scarlett Johansson, and Anna Faris.  It’s Mark’s Birthday and he insisted we drink some whiskey, destroy some ellipticals, and “Lip his stockings?” If you too are having trouble sleeping maybe you should venture out into the mysterious world of all night arcades and karaoke bars, where the Sakura bloom. Other than that, let’s all consider our love lives and who we are, because what happens in Nippon stays in Nippon.

Tonight, on the Marquee: 

• Filming A Suntory Whiskey Commercial
• Kingdom Hearts: A Support Group
• Westworld, Breaking Bad Retrospective, Drag Race, Pose, Sense8, Suspiria, Halloween, Hereditary, and more!
• Matrix: Rebooted
• The Polanski Effect
• The Greasy Strangler the Review that Almost Was
• What Did He Whisper? We Get Lost in Translation
• That Wasn’t Scarlett Johansson!
• For Relaxing Times, Make It Suntory Times.
• Sophia Coppola Snags Bill Murray.
• Anna Faris Got Robbed!
• The Real Life Celebrity Scandal that Could Have Inspired the Film.
• Taiko Drum Panic Plot Inconsistency.
• Love and Marriage and Dogs
• The Power of Ambiguous Endings

“You’re more of a Dork than a Nerd…” – Categorizing Mark

He was in a Power Rangers fan film – Mark on James Van Der Beek’s Career.

“My nipples were erect.” – Jonathan while watching Herditary

“He’ll Drive those Babies and He Loves Low Hanging Fruit.” – Kevin Spacey’s Career

“Is it Rat Race?/Was The Pianist in Japan?” – Matt Questions Life

“Open On Ass.”

“Lip My Stockings!”

“Lock and Lol!”

 Art Provided By: John Cafiero @bonehaver420

 Music: "Riviera Jazz" Provided By: Crazy G  

Episode 09: Harold and Maude

 

Tonight’s episode of Nightcaps at the Theater is a celebration of dichotomy. Young vs. Old, Highs vs. Lows, and Life Vs. Death. In honor of a recent birthday and in preparation for the countless new possibilities that lay ahead, host Jonathan Kwiatkowski, has dusted off his favorite film of all time for his fellow cohosts and beloved listeners. On the Marquee this round is Hal Ashby’s effervescent, yet charmingly maudlin comedy Harold and Maude (1971). Join us as we take a look into Harold’s penchant for driving hearses, attempting suicide, and playing the banjo on a journey of self-discovery. A voyage inspired by none other than the oderific toting, doughnut wheeling, life loving, Maude. Through the discussions pertaining to disaster dates, funeral squatting, and anti-war sentiments, dear listeners, don’t forget to take a page out of Maude’s book too and “L-I-V-E! Live! Otherwise, you got nothing to talk about in the locker room.”

Tonight, on the Marquee: 

• A Recreated Dating Questionnaire from the Computer Dating Service
• Join the Rosanne Cancellation Party! Danny DeVito as Rosanne?!?
• Introduction of the Glass Lady/Thinking of Recurring Characters
• Halloween Bash 2018 Plans and Female Led Werewolf Movies
• Deadpool 2 and Solo: A Star Wars Story Review…Milking the Bantha
• A Brief History of Harold and Maude
• Fake Suicides and Real Melodrama
• Vivian Pickles “Consummate Glenn Close Knockoff”
• Jon Gets A Little Too Excited and Spills Some Wine
• Enjoying Being Dead More Than Being Alive: The Jonathan Kwiatkowski Memoir
• “I Am For Peace!”
• The Impeccable History found in The Sound of Music
• What’s Your Dream Suicide Attempt?
• “Is Maude the OG Manic, Pixie, Dream Girl?”

“When Chita Rivera Calls You a Racist … you should just end it.”

“I thought she was Linda Hunt” – Mark’s Critique of Ruth Gordon

 “I Think this is My Favorite Suicide attempt in the Film”

 “They’re Smoking a hooker!” – Matt’s ideal post-date Activity

“Did we forget to mention her being f&*ked by a swan?” – The Rape of Rome

“That Nose Could Take Me to Mars.”

 

 Art Provided By: John Cafiero @bonehaver420

 Music: "Riviera Jazz" Provided By: Crazy G  

Episode 08: La Grande Vadrouille

 

Tonight on Nightcaps, we are off to German occupied France, for a surprisingly lighthearted comedic romp through WWII in La Grande Vadrouille, also known as “Don’t Look Now…We’re Being Shot At!” You may not have seen or even heard of this film, but it truly isn’t one to miss. It’s got it all, including the following: A Turkish Bathhouse, An Inglorious Bastards style assassination attempt, a Pumpkin Throwing Nun, and the most well-mannered Nazis you’ll ever see. See famous French actor, Louis de Funès give a masterclass performance as an orchestra conductor, who has simply had enough. Or else, have you ever wanted to see a British officer passing convincingly as a woman in drag? Or a cross-eyed Nazi behind the barrel of a machine gun? If so, then, “take a stroll” with us as we discuss the film. And Make sure to take a shot every time Jon and Mark “Ooooh” and “Aaah” in response to Matt’s suave command of the French language. “Oh hon, hon, hon!”

Tonight, on the Marquee: 

• Surprisingly, The Flintstones, didn’t age as well as one, might have hoped.
• Fox: Boo! NBC: Yay!
• The Happytime Murders … Hollywood is running out of ideas.
• Amelie 2: As Directed by Quentin Tarantino
• Breast Cancer Awareness with Nightcaps
• Sea Lion Linguistics
• To Be or Not to Be Vibes with a Dash of Grey Gardens and Inglorious Bastards.
• The quick, tight, farcical nature of a good comedic gag.
• McIntosh in Drag and Gay Panic
• It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, World Rat Race
• Pumpkin Nun, Turning Men Into Wine, and Knowing One’s Way Around the Whip
• What was up with that weird German Birthday Chair Game?
• Recognizing characters by their Professions and Tropes.
• Those Poor Horses
• This Plane Escape wouldn’t “Fly” in Real Life.
• Matt’s Cultured Linguistic Analysis and Box Office Calculations

“While Banging a Muppet Hooker…”

“When you Occupy A Country You Best Speak Three Languages!”

“The Beds Are Good!”

StanislavXAugustine

Dat Stanisalv Headshot tho.

“The Germans Are Coming!”

“Pitter Patter!”

“Viva La France! Viva La Vida!”

 Art Provided By: John Cafiero @bonehaver420

 Music: "Riviera Jazz" Provided By: Crazy G  

Episode 07: Unbreakable

 

“What’s that in the sky? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No… its just M. Night Shyamalan’s intro to his superhero saga, 2000’s Unbreakable. Join us as we discuss the impact of superheroes throughout fiction and reality, laugh a little bit too hard when Samuel L. Jackson takes a tumble, and try to deduce why everyone is speaking in whispers. Is this a “comic book” movie? Are there any stupider kryptonites than water? Take a shot every time you think “M. Knight is being pretentious with the camera the camera again.”  Who will win in this dramatic showdown Bruce Willis’s deadpan acting or the man who literally drives a bubble car? You’ll have to go to where people are to find out…or hop aboard this crazy train with us here at Nightcaps.

Tonight, on the Marquee: 

• An Ode to the Inner Superhero.
• Some sound drinking advice and the death of sound issues!
• “Comic Berks” impact.
• M. Night’s topsy turvey ,“cinematography.”
• David Dumb’s magazine Banter Flirting. What a catch?
• Limited Edition? Really? What a nerd!
• A brief Mugging.
• Bruce Willis’s Naughty Vision
• We all need a movie of Samuel L. Jackson falling.
• Do you even lift, Dad?
• Creepy Pool Stories with Teacher.
• Just a casual after dinner Mexican Standoff with your son.
• Tales from the Comic Book Crypt with Mark.
• What a Twist…I guess?
• Daddy Issues and Sequel Setup.

 “Don’t call him Kimmy Schmidt!” Mark’s Back of the Vista Box Quote         

The Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme, plays in the distance.

 “AHHHHHHH!” – Matt’s impersonation of Samuel L. Jackson falling

“I can’t play I’m gonna go work out with my dad!” – Choices.

“We’ll get to that.” – Nightcap’s Slogan.

“I have nipples Greg, could you lift me?”

“I’ll just shoot him once.” – The Best Line.

 Art Provided By: John Cafiero @bonehaver420

 Music: "Riviera Jazz" Provided By: Crazy G  

Episode 06: Labyrinth

 

“You remind of the Babe. What Babe? The Babe with the power? What power? The power of voodoo. Who do? You do. What? Remind of the Babe.” Put on your best Elizabethan wear and prepare to traverse the many twists and turns of 1986’s Labyrinth, we’ve got a baby brother to save. Join us as we discuss friendship, puppetry, and Jennifer Connelly’s acting “choices” on our humble little podcast. Does Hoggle prove that Muppets have genitalia? Is Ludo the OG Earthbender? Is there anything more adorable than a stuffed fox riding a sheepdog? The answers to these riddles and many more lie just beyond the walls of the Labyrinth. Be careful not to lose your way and avoid David Bowie’s codpiece at all costs…it’ll bewitch you.

*Despite the audio issues this episode is wonderful.  Sound problems have been addressed for future episodes. Sorry in advance, and thanks for understanding, lovely Listeners.

Tonight on the Marquee: 

• A Monologue from The Labyrinth.
• New Cohost and Old Friend Mark Zebro Jr. joins this Losers Club.
• Female Leads, Sad Orphans, and Kinky Handcuff Sex.
• Our Tail-wagging Review of Isle of Dogs…with baby voiced puppies
• “Kurt Weill Lives?
• David Bowie’s Codpiece, Juggling Balls, and New Age Cocaine Diet.
• Nightcaps Civil War: Love or Hate Jennifer Connelly.
• Labyrinth: Was She Autistic?
• Jareth or Jared from Subway?
• Solving the many Door Riddles…but, not really.
• The Fireys are TERRIFYING!
• Boinking and Diddling at the Ball.
• The Great Chicken Massacre of 1986
• The Life and Death of “Nostalgia.”

 “Did he go on vacation?” Jonathan’s Dead Dog Naivety

 “I don’t know about you guys, but I can’t mix my milk with coke.”  - Matt’s Breakfast of Champions.

Mark tells Sarah Jessica Parker’s aka “Old Horse Face” Origin Story.  

“I’d fucks with Hoggle.” – Matt chooses his friends.

“Nothing? Nothing? Tra La La!” – Jonathan examines his love life.

“Knockoff Chewbacca” – Mark’s opinion on Ludo.

Being Elmo: A Puppeteer’s Journey

“They did that Painting.” – Mark’s glowing art criticism.

“He died from too much poop in his butt.” – Jim Henson’s epitaph.

 Art Provided By: John Cafiero @bonehaver420

 Music: "Riviera Jazz" Provided By: Crazy G  

Episode 05: Boogie Nights

Alright everybody, it’s time to put on your roller blades, and get yourself pumped up. You are about to shoot a scene and we here at Nightcaps hope that you will “rise to the occasion.” If you catch our drift? Listen along as Matt and Jonathan sit back and relive the tail end of the sleazy 19070’s. A time of disco, drugs, and… dick. Before we get into Marky Mark’s potential “tour de force” We discuss the 2018 Oscars with Matt’s scene partner April, who stops by the Nightcaps studio for a bump, before calling it a night.  After that, Parental Advisory is in full effect *Wink* Wink* Wait…I got something in my eye! What is that?!? Oh my God! Can a get a towel and a hit of something over here? You really ought to get that looked at by a doctor or something…

Tonight on the Marquee: 

• A Scene from a Disco Bathroom
• The 2018 Oscars: Year of the Jet Ski Shark Jump
• Daniel Day-Lewis Pulls a Kanye.
• Rita Moreno Makes Her Comeback!
• Jersey Gardens: Ghetto Movie Paradise
• Limited Releases, the Roseanne Reboot, Need to Get Steppin!
• Guillermo Del Toro “Best Boi?”
• Little Bill 90’s Kids Favorite Cartoon or Cuck Husband?
• Paul Thomas Anderson’s “All Star” Porno Cast
• Dirk Diggler…The Worst Porn Name?
• What if the Oscars Were More Like The Porn Awards?
• Mark Whalberg’s “Third Leg” is Basically the Ark of the Covenant,
• How Drunk is Jonathan to Confuse Philip Seymour Hoffman and John C. Reilly?
• Steve Harrington Does Adult Films?
• Is Marky Mark the Greatest Method Actor of All Time?

“Let’s Do it!” April’s Words to Live By.

 “Best Producer” The Next Great Oscar Caper Thriller.

“Cocaine was my second choice, but they didn’t have that at the liquor store which is weird.”

"13 Inch –Shlonger of a Beast…” So That’s Why Mark Wahlberg Has a Film Career.

“The Literal Act One Gun…” – A Great Description for a Double Homicide/Suicide

“Woah…That Was Kinda Awesome” – Jonathan and Matt after the “Big” Reveal.

 Art Provided By: John Cafiero @bonehaver420

 Music: "Riviera Jazz" Provided By: Crazy G  

Episode 04: The Royal Tenenbaums

 

Put on your Adidas track suits, light those cigarettes, and hitch a ride on the back of the nearest garbage truck, tonight is a family affair on Nightcaps at the Theater. Wes Anderson’s The Royal Tenenbaums is the topic of discussion and we are proud to introduce a new member of our Nightcaps family.  Our first guest: Mark Zebro Jr! Join us as we reminisce on youth, discuss sibling rivalries, and contemplate when our growing distaste for Gwyneth Paltrow actually began. Did you ever want to know Mordechai the Falcon’s backstory or ponder the intricate differences of the Wilson brothers? Well, Mark has you covered. As Owen Wilson would say…”Oh, Wow!” Family… am I right? You can’t live with them, but life would be a whole lot more boring without them.

Tonight on the Marquee: 

• The Life and Times of the “Other Tenenbaums”
• Video Games?!? Not in my Movie Podcast
• Mark Zebro Jr: The Man, The Myth, The Movies
• Drawing a Blank on Bill Murray
• Popeye: A Cinema Masterpiece
• Goop Butt Water
• How Do Anjelica Huston’s Farts Smell? Jonathan Has the Details.
• Arrested Development Origins
• Is It Incest?
• Pagoda, not “Bagoda”
• Gene Hackman “Noticeable”  Douchebag
• Dusty, Dudley, and Buckley. MVPs
• Is Mordechai Still Alive?

“I Want You to Do Something Subtle With Your Vagina” – Famous Words of a Shared Director.

“But Who’s Gonna Eat All Those Olives Mark?” – Martinis Gone Dirty

"Let’s Shag Ass!” – A Call for Action.

“The Framing Makes Me Hard.” - So does Wes Anderson when dressed as a Catholic school girl.

“Wildcat. Wow.” – Our Groundbreaking Owen Wilson Impressions.

“Dudley Where is He?” … “Who?”  - A Conversation for the Ages

 Art Provided By: John Cafiero @bonehaver420

 Music: "Riviera Jazz" Provided By: Crazy G